Marvin and LeeAnn were in their bedroom on a Saturday night, about to begin a lovemaking session. After several minutes of heavy petting, Marvin realized the normal routine just wasn’t doing it for him.

“Let’s spice things up,” Marvin suggested.

LeeAnn was intrigued. “Oh yeah? What do you have in mind, cowboy?”

Marvin’s face turned red. “I–I’d rather not say. Forget it. Let’s just go back to–”

“No, tell me!” insisted LeeAnn.

Marvin sighed. “You’re going to think this is really dumb, but… see that periodical on the nightstand?”

LeeAnn glanced over and saw a pile of magazines. “This one?” she asked, picking up a back issue of Forbes.

“Yeah,” Marvin said. “I–I just had this fantasy that… that…”

“That I’d roll it up and spank you with it?” asked LeeAnn.

“You read my mind!”

It seems simple enough. Pick up a Forbes magazine, roll it up in your hand, and start smacking someone’s bare bum. But there are subtleties and nuances that you will want to consider before getting too carried away.

• Consider whose face is on the cover of the magazine. A picture of a terrorist, or anything that depicts or reminds you of tragedy, could dampen your spirits or kill the mood in the room.
• Also consider the shape and condition of the Forbes. A new copy, with its crisp-edged pages, could potentially cause paper cuts. Ouch!
• Be sure to quickly shake the magazine to ensure all subscription cards and other inserts fall out before beginning. You’d hate for those to fall out during the spanking.
• Roll the magazine using the traditional two-handed twist-and-tighten motion to form a tube, then hold the magazine near the bottom with your dominant hand, just as you would hold a hammer.
• The spanking is typically performed while in a kneeling position on a bed, but it can also be done standing upright, sitting, or lying down. Be creative!
• The swing is a side-armed motion. Start with your arm at your side, and gently thrust your arm towards the recipient’s buttocks until the Forbes magazine makes firm contact. You should hear a crisp “whap” sound if flush contact occurs.
• Repeat the process as many times as the recipient desires, or until your arm gets too tired to continue performing the action.
• Most importantly, be sure to hydrate before and after! Your body needs water to carry out this and many other tasks.
• When finished, consider discarding the magazine. It is now likely very dirty and unsanitary. You might keep it if there are still articles you really wish to read.
• After all is said and done, consider a verbal nondisclosure agreement between you and your partner to ensure that neither of you speak about this event publicly.

In the end, Marvin enjoyed himself and approved of the way LeeAnn carried out the spanking. He also agreed that any magazine would have worked just as well as Forbes.

My Hot Take:
I mean, this was topical. The leader of the free world apparently requested this very thing, only it was a Forbes with his own face on the cover. I don’t have a hot take other than I felt we needed to cover this hot-button how-to.

tl;dr
Just roll up a magazine and smack away.

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