We’ve all been there. Your friend Bernie just bought a chest of drawers on Craigslist and needs someone to help him move it into his 58th floor condo. Surprise, surprise, he’s calling you to help with the heavy lifting on a Saturday afternoon. You’d love to help, but…
“Uh… Bernie, yeah that looks so good, but… I’ve drinking binge drinking since 8 this morning o’clock. Hey. What do you say we go get one of those burritos at that one place and then we move your thing to there.”
On to the next guy!
But if only it were that easy. Getting out of helping a friend move something is one thing, but how do you get out of other duties? And how do you pretend to be drunk in the first place?
If you’re sick, oh, maybe you could still be counted on for cross-guard duty at school. If you’re claiming to be busy with something, you’ll just be tabbed to help out when you’re done with whatever you’re claiming to be doing. But if you’re drunk, no one is going to trust you to do much of anything, and there’s a long period of time before you’re well enough to get back in action.
If you’ve been drunk before, you probably have a pretty good idea of how to fake being drunk. But the catch here is people who pretend to be drunk often greatly over-exaggerate drunkenness as stumbling about, unable to put words together to form a sentence. Chances are, the example a few paragraphs ago would not be completely believable to a good friend who has undoubtedly seen you drunk many times. Most people, when drunk, just tend to talk more, talk louder, and sound jollier.
If you intend to pretend to be drunk to get out of doing something over the phone, you will also want to make a point to partially tune out the person speaking to you and talk over them. Be boisterous, be annoying, and just plain be an ass. Ask them to repeat themselves, then talk right over them. See if they can guess that you’ve been drinking before you tell them. To add to the fun, scream out for someone to bring you another drink away from the phone.
Pretending to be drunk to get out of doing something takes on a whole new meaning if you’re doing it in person, however. Anyone can probably tell whether or not you’re well beyond the legal limit just by looking at you. For this, the same rules of speaking apply, but you’ll need to be a lot more hands-on. Touching is key here, whether a hand on their shoulder or the occasional tap of the arm. You’ll also need to smell boozy, so you’ll probably want to at least have one shot. Since your eyes will be a dead giveaway that you aren’t really drunk, be sure to wear sunglasses. Go ahead and even rub a little tequila on your skin to give the effect of booze oozing out of your pores. Your day of volunteering at the church just turned into a day of R&R on the couch… and heck, maybe even really getting drunk!
The only other method of communication where you would need to pretend to be drunk to get out of doing something is via text or mobile messaging of some form. Then it becomes simpler to pull off, but less believable without some sort of audio or visual evidence. It wouldn’t hurt for you to text a photo of yourself hoisting a drink in the air, or you making a ridiculous face.
Some situations that you could use the “fake drunk” method include
- Anything church related
- Anything school related
- Anything kid related
- Anything driving related, especially airport pickups
- Neighborhood clean-up days
- Umpiring or refereeing sports
- Helping a friend move, or move something heavy
- Hospital/welfare visits
- Speaking at a public rally
There’s very little downside to this silly method, unless you are in a situation where you’re known to be in a position of authority. For instance, the “I’m super drunk” thing becomes more of a problem than doing the thing you’re trying to avoid when it’s known that you’re supposed to be parenting small children, operating heavy machinery, or working during at the time of the faking. So use common sense!
Things to Help You Get Drunk For Real!
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My Hot Take:
Have I done this? Uh, yes, several times off the top of my head. Once when I was a part-time wedding DJ, there was a giant blizzard in Minneapolis and the scheduled DJ couldn’t get to the event center, and I was called at the last moment as an emergency backup. It would have been tough for me to get to the reception too, and truth be told I had just cracked open a beer, so I just pretended to be hammered to get out of it. I wouldn’t make a habit of it, but it’s a foolproof excuse because best case scenario you aren’t going to be available for the rest of the day.
If you’re looking for an original excuse to get out of doing something at a moment’s notice, pretend to be drunk.