Chip had just finished a grueling game of pickup football at the park with his friends. He was dripping sweat and trying to catch his breath. Many of the guys took a moment to lie down on the grass and recover. “Nice game, champ,” Chip said to Rodney, patting him on the back as the two headed to the bench to sit. Rodney reached into his Igloo cooler and grabbed an ice cold Mountain Dew.

“You got an extra one of those bad boys?” Chip asked.

“Sure do, broseph,” Rodney said as he flipped a 12 oz. can of sugar water to his bud.

Chip made a nice one-handed grab of the can in mid-air, but when he tried to open the tab, he lost his grip on the can and it fell to the grass.

“Oh, surprise, surprise,” Rodney joked. “Just like in the game, huh? Fumbling my Dew just like you fumbled the football all day!”

Chip didn’t appreciate the remark. “No. The can was really wet, and my hands were sweaty. I had no way of gripping it, jerk face.”

Chip picked up the can and tried to open it, but thanks to the moisture he couldn’t get his index finger underneath the icy-cold tab.

“Oh, hey look everybody,” Rodney cried. “Old weak-finger Chip can’t get his Mountain Dew tab open! What a dumb baby.” Everyone laughed.

Frustrated, Chip pulled a quarter out of his pocket and tried to wedge it under the tab, but he kept fumbling around. “Dammit! I’m so thirsty and this isn’t working!”

Well, fortunately for Chip, the workarounds here are extremely obvious and, frankly, do not warrant a blog post. Nevertheless, here are the ways to open that precious Dew when it matters most.

• If there is someone nearby whose hands do not appear to be all wet, politely ask that person to open the can. But don’t make it appear that you’re trying to trick that person into opening an exploding shaken-up can of pop.
• Use a towel, sleeve, pant leg, or other cloth to wipe the moisture off your hands, the can, or both to allow yourself a better grip.
• Find something to pry the tab upward, like a spoon, penknife, coin, or key, if your finger is too slippery to fit underneath.
• Just try a little harder. Hold the can tighter, and really go the extra mile to wedge your finger under the tab. You can do this. It’s a tin can.
• Wait until the can and/or your hands dry off naturally in the air. Speed up the process with wind or a hand dryer.
• If worse comes to worse, you could attempt to just puncture the can in some fashion. Perhaps use a blunt object or a stick to try bashing in the mouth of the can, or even stabbing the side of the can with a pen or knife and quickly suckling the nectar straight from the puncture point.
• Consider putting on some thin gloves that will allow you to grip the can, but also get your finger under the tab to open it.

There is also the most sensible option, which is to avoid quenching your thirst with pop. While it does hydrate as well as regular water in reasonable dosages, science proves it’s one of the worst things you can consume, health-wise.

In the end, Chip was able to get the can open just by regaining his composure and squeezing the can a little harder. He sucked down his Mountain Dew quickly, then crushed the can on Rodney’s forehead and head-butted his friend into a coma. Not cool, Chip. Too far.

My Hot Take:
I think I’ve encountered a can that’s hard to open because it was wading in icy cold water in a cooler. A few times I think I’ve had to use a metal object to pry the tab open.

tl;dr
What… you actually read this far?