Any dog owner will tell you that even the most lovable pooch can sometimes seem like the actual spawn of Satan.

From eating a rotisserie chicken carcass out of the trash can to rolling around in a pile of fresh cat shit, man’s best friend can often seem like God’s biggest blunder. Dogs are fairly smart—they know when they’ve done bad, and begin to brace for their owner’s certain wrath. But what are the signs to look for to see if your dog has just committed a heinous act against his better judgment?

Telltale signs your dog just f*cked something up big-time.

Sometimes it’s obvious—you walk into a room and see cotton strewn about and your new couch mangled beyond repair. Other times, the dog gives himself up before you realize what has gone wrong. What are those signs?

• Suddenly clingy. If your dog decides not to leave your side—or, even moreso than usual—he’s probably trying his damnedest to get on your good side. Another possibility is he wants to make it known that he was at your side this WHOLE TIME, therefore it couldn’t have been him that ate your pan of brownies. “Don’t look at me! You saw me, I was right beside you all day long, human.”
• Tail between the leg. A truly ashamed dog that knows he’s done a dastardly deed may slink around the house sheepishly with the tail between the legs. As if that’s gonna get you off the hook, mutt!
• Obnoxiously hyper. A dog who just ate six pounds of Cadbury eggs won’t be able to hide his shame as he’ll be too damn full of energy to sit still.
• Hiding. If the dog can’t be found, she can’t be punished! The mongrel is probably crouched away in a guest bedroom hoping this all blows over before she’s discovered.
• Extreme thirst. A dog who just ate 30 pounds of salt is going to be dying of thirst. If he’s tapping on his water bowl for refill after refill, you have right to be suspicious.
• Unusual behavior. If the dog is barking at a wall, snipping at children, or burying her head in a mound of towels, and these aren’t normal occurrences, you might want to begin looking for a missing or destroyed object in your home.

Of course, these aren’t the only signs. Every dog is a little different, and only the dog’s owner can hone in on weird behavior.

The bottom line is, dogs don’t have very good poker faces. If a dog ever successfully fools you into thinking someone or something else is responsible for their antics, you need to have your head examined.

My Hot Take

You guessed it! This article is in direct response to our beagle being a big jerkface. I bought a giant bag of Duke’s sausages at Costco the other day for me and my fellow humans to enjoy. I grabbed a couple, pushed the bag towards the back of the counter, and went about my day. That afternoon, I began to notice Baxter was being super weird. He gulped down all his water, then patted on the bowl for more. At first that didn’t sound off any alarms, but later I was working in my office and he was lying at my side. When I left the room, he stayed put—extremely unusual for him to not follow my every move. I went to grab another meat stick, and it hit me immediately—this dog just ate like 35 sausages. The bag was found in the back of the backyard wildly mangled.