How to Always Find Fault with the Weather

For many people, the weather is a major talking point. No matter your political stance, religious beliefs, or sports interests, weather is something we can all discuss at the same level. Some weirdos happily take whatever Mother Nature sends their way and make the best of it with a giant smile on their face. But for the rest of us, extreme temperatures, an excess or lack of precipitation, mold and allergens in the air, wind speed, humidity percentage, or anything unseasonable can be cause for anger and frustration.

If you’re the type of person who want to have something to complain about all the time, here is how you might react to a wide array of weather events.

Extreme Cold, but Seasonable: “I know it’s January but this is insane. I had to go start the car thirty minutes before leaving for work just to get the heater going. And then I had to dig out of a snow bank. I hate this!”

Extreme Cold, Unseasonable: “You’ve got to be kidding me! It’s almost May and I’m wearing a fricking parka. Can we please move to Egypt?”

Very Cold (20-32º): “Ugh, this stinking cold weather is driving me insane! I can’t feel my extremities! We’re supposed to watch an underground illegal house cat fight in this weather?!”

Pretty Cold (33-42º): “Jesus, Dan, the lake is still partially frozen. Will this winter never end? I want to get the boat out!”

Chilly (43-52º): “Well, shit, Deb. We can’t pack the coats and mittens away just yet. A gust of wind comes up and it feels like it’s the frickin’ North Pole.”

Cool (53-62º): “I hate this in-between weather! A little wind picks up and I’m shivering and leaves are flying off trees. The sun comes out and I have to take off my Wells Fargo windbreaker.”

Moderate (63-74º): “I know most people find this comfortable, but I hate having to carry a light sweater with me just in case.”

Warm (75-87º): “This weather is just the worst! Mosquitos are out, it’s all sticky and muggy, and you just know it’s ripe for a tornado. And now I’ve got to go blow my last five bucks on sunscreen.”

Hot (88-99º): “Oh my God I’m dying. This sunburn is so painful it hurts to move. I’m staying inside with the ice cold AC blasting until it’s fall.”

Extremely Hot, but Seasonable (100 & up): “Yep, triple-digits again. Screw this. I hate having to stay so hydrated 24/7. I have to start the car five minutes early and just let it cool down so I don’t scald my inner thighs on the leather seats. Seriously, you want to see this burn? It’s starting to ooze pus.”

Extremely Hot, but Unseasonable: “It’s 100 on Halloween. I’m going to be soaked head to toe in my Raggedy Ann costume. Ugh, can we please move to Calgary?!”

Completely Still, No Breeze: “Criminy, would it be too much to ask for a little breeze? Anything?! Some circulation would be nice.”

Slight Breeze: “Well, these damn papers are blowing all over the place. Whose bright idea was it to work outside for the afternoon. My kingdom for a paperweight!”

Windy: “Welp, Diane, cancel the church picnic. Everyone’s paper plates are gonna be flying all over the dang country. Curse this wind!”

Extremely Windy: “My hat! My new sailor hat just blew off my head and it’s gone! And I guess we can kiss the kite festival goodbye again this year.”

Squall: “I had to seriously go look up the definition of ‘squall’. I mean, what the heck is with these sudden bursts of wind often accompanied by precipitation?! I was going to go get the mail, but… nope. Always something.”

Tornado: “Welp, I checked. Our house is absolutely flattened. Extreme weather events will be the death of me yet.”

Hurricane: “I’m not happy that this hurricane is taking place outside.”

Sandstorm or Dust Storm: “Ahhhhh!!! It stings the face and our frisky little kitty is buried in four inches of dirt!”

Global Warming: “I don’t care what the President says. Giant ice bergs didn’t used to float by our house so frequently. Climate change is to blame and I don’t like it.”

Cloudy: “I am seriously so depressed with it so cloudy every day. I’ll never get a good tan for Deb’s bat mitzvah.”

Sunny: “Ugh, there’s that damn bright sun again. Hello, skin cancer.”

Extreme Lack of Moisture: “The crops are all dead. I’m out doing a stinkin’ rain dance in the fields, and nothin’!”

A Few Days without Rain: “I don’t know why everyone’s so happy the rain moved out. Personally I was enjoying the change of pace.”

Sunshower: “This is so miserable. It’s beating down sun yet it’s raining. Well, Deb was right, it was a bad idea for me to get out of bed today.”

Rain: “Is there anything more depressing?! My hair got all wet running into the building and I’m sure Jimmy’s soccer game will be called off. Ugh!”

Thunderstorm: “All this thunder and lightning scares poor Poopsie. She made a mess and now is hiding under the bed shaking. And don’t get me started on the rain all over my panties I had on the clothesline!”

Sleet: “Could Mother Nature make up her damn mind? It’s not quite rain and it’s not quite snow. It’s just little painful ice pellets whacking me in the face. No way I’m sitting through the outdoor community production of The Mummy Returns in this weather!”

Hail: “You must be kidding me, now it’s hailing out! My Taurus is getting annihilated out there. And I just had a new sunroof put in!”

Light Snow: “Well, that’s just enough to make the roads slick. I hate the beginning of winter!”

Snow: “Is there anything worse than this white shit? Pretty, my ass! I just had to shovel the sidewalk and now my back hurts! Cancel the baton lessons.”

Blizzard: “There’s literally zero visibility. I’m not sure if I’m even on the road anymore. I’d pull over but, again, I don’t know where the road is supposed to be. And now on the radio they’re saying the pork loin eating contest at First Presbyterian has been cancelled!”

Fog: “Nope, screw this. The fog is so thick I can’t see to the end of the street. Call Brenda, tell her the hot air balloon ride is off.”

Clear: “You know, just once, it would be nice if I could wake up to some fog. I don’t want anyone to see my dilapidated station wagon pulling into school.”

Smoky: “The forest fires from Canada are making this air unbearable. Tried to ride on a kiddie train earlier and my eyes were burning. I hate this!”

Allergy Season: “I don’t know how you guys aren’t bothered. My eyes are watering and my throat is all scratchy. Call off the hay ride. I’m going to stay in and watch Three’s Company Season 7 on DVD.”

Humid: “I’m so moist you could do a frickin’ slip-and-slide off my back. Is there any weather condition more miserable? You’d think I’d just finished running a damn marathon as wet as I am right now!”

Lack of Humidity: “This is a real stretch here. Every other weather condition checks out. But this lack of stickiness in the air is a real drag. Am I the only one who likes to sweat a little when jogging around the lake?”

Same Weather for Long Stretch of Time: “Surprise, surprise. I just checked the forecast and it’s supposed to be sunny and 71º with a 20% chance of rain again for the 38th straight day. I mean, in principal that’s a nice combo, but it’s the same-old blah thing. Where’s the excitement?!”

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My Hot Take:
I tend to be a “grass is always greener” sort of person weather-wise. When we lived in Minneapolis I frequently complained about the snowy weather and icy roads. So we moved to Austin, and now I frequently complain about the extreme heat and lack of rain. I have complained about every type of weather, except probably the lack of humidity one. I would never complain about being dry.

For the real curmudgeon, there is reason to complain no matter what the weather forecast brings you.

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