How to Scratch Your Butt in Public

Jim is walking through a crowded street fair on a Saturday afternoon with his family. Festive music is playing, kids are scrambling about with balloons and cotton candy in hand, dogs in bandanas are being led by their owners, and street vendors with delicious food are at every turn. Jim smiles and takes a moment to appreciate his surroundings.

And that’s when it happens.

Out of nowhere, Jim’s ass starts itching like crazy. And this surely doesn’t seem like one of those itches that’s going to just subside on its own in a moment or two. In a panic, Jim looks around to see if he has a clearing to scratch. Nope. People everywhere. It’s not on the cheek either; this one is very deep in Jim’s rectum. And with his tight jeans, there’s little to no chance he could even get his fingers in deep enough to scratch the itch anyway. This is not a good situation, and the intensity is growing by the second.

Jim needs to find privacy, but at a crowded public event, privacy is at a premium. The line at the port-a-potties is a dozen people deep. Ugh, it just itches so much! What are Jim’s options to relieve this itch before it drives him certifiably insane?

  • Ignore it. It will eventually go away… right? Easier said than done. A bad itch can be so annoying you literally can’t do or think about anything else until it’s resolved. If you think you can put it out of mind until you get some privacy, it’s worth a shot.
  • Drop everything and run. Running can help in that it will cause Jim’s butt cheeks to rub against each other, creating friction, thereby treating the itch!
  • Use the corner of a building or structure to scratch it. Jim could sidle up to the corner of the hot dog stand and let the concrete corner of the building sink deep into his buttock tissue. A discrete little shift to the left and right, and he’s got that itch nipped in the bud. Tough to pull off. The building has to come to perfect 90º corners to have a chance of working, and even then, people will probably call you out.
  • Use a staircase rail. Jim could pretend to take a quick breather by sitting on the end of a handrail, but in reality he’s easing the rail into his butt to relieve himself. Again, people will probably spot this.
  • Have someone cover your back while you take care of business. Jim would have to clue his wife in on his problem, and then have her stand behind him and watch guard so he can quick give it a scratch.
  • Have someone else scratch it. If Jim’s wife has no shame, she could be talked into quickly scratching it for Jim, but there are several issues. First off, she can’t know for sure where the itch is originating from. Secondly, she would be seen touching someone’s butt in public.
  • Pretend to be reaching for your wallet, tightening your belt, or adjusting your pants in some other fashion. Jim could grab his waistband and tug his pants up, down, and all around, pretending he’s just repositioning himself. In reality, he’s hoping the fabric will knead into his bum and scratch the itch.
  • Use some sort of stick or wand. Sure, and risk someone seeing you sticking a twig down your pants?
  • Hide as best as possible. Even when you’re in a really crowded place, there must still be places out of the way. Look for a photo booth, a bush, or even a car to stand behind if even for just a moment.
  • Do just the opposite—find the largest crowd of people to walk or surround yourself with. If people are shoulder-to-shoulder, no one would be able to see you disgustingly prodding at yourself.
  • Scratch feverishly at the itch, very openly, all the while yelling “Ants, ants! I have ants in my pants!”
  • Just swallow your pride and do whatever you have to do to make the itch go away. If someone sees you and is grossed out or makes fun of you, just explain to them the agony you were in and how it was fully necessary in that moment.

Hopefully Jim found a way to relieve himself so he can get back to enjoying the street fair with his lovely fami… hey, wait… where did they go?! Kids? KIDS!!! Do not let your itch occupy your mind to the point that this scenario unfolds. You’re so worried about your damn butt you’ve lost your family.

Products for People with Itchy Asses

My Hot Take:
If I was in public and this happened, you can bet I’d run straight to the nearest bathroom and lock myself in a stall to take care of the itch. But again, this post is assuming that’s not a realistic option. I almost certainly would just try the pant adjustment method.

If your ass starts to itch in public and getting to a bathroom isn’t an option, find a way to disguise the fact that you’re scratching yourself.

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